Daily Archives: April 5, 2013

Special “Over-Taxed Payers’ Angst” E-dition

Friday, April 5, 2013                             

We’re Probably Not Going to Have a Complete Friday E-dition Today

           image004Everybody was getting ready to watch the Reds’ early afternoon game on their computers at work, so Charles Foster Kane went to have his taxes done early Thursday morning, just so he could find out how much of his hard-earned money would be confiscated by the IRS on April 15 for Obama and our Crooks in Congress to piss away.

            Unfortunately, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher hasn’t been heard from since, although somebody did say they saw him at a bribe lunch with an elected official at J. Alexander’s at The Rookwood. The Blower is still waiting on confirmation on that report, especially since everybody knows how low a profile the Voice of the Conservative Agenda usually keeps whenever he ventures out in public.   

             We hope when he finally returns, he’ll be calmed down enough after hearing about his taxes and that elected official’s plans for public spending so we can at least put out our regular E-dition on Saturday.

                                                                        The Whistleblower Staff   


Stories We’re Working On

  • image007North Korea preps missiles
  •  Japan, U.S. bases in range
  •  American troops poised at border
  • ”Chemical battalion” deployed to South
  •  China snubs our requests
  •  John Kerry says “Not to worry”
  •  South Korea president hoping for best, preparing for worst

Whistleblower Web Poll

image010This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they plan to get out of paying any federal income tax by midnight on April 15:
(A) Lie about their income: 2%
(B) Make up lots of expenses: 1%
(C) Let the tax cheats at H&R Doofus do their return: 1%
(D) File an extension: 96%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!


Taxes: The Gift You Keep on Giving

image012This week, everybody who thinks Congressmen would simplify the tax code if their elections were held on Tax Day, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. The winner is noted CPA Irving Foongman, the constipated public accountant from Florence who always gets so backed up this time of year, he has to work it out with a pencil. Irv’s entry was a little late, which was OK, since he attached an automatic extension form.

Irv wins a handy list of tax-cheating tips, a “THE+IRS Spells THEIRS” T-shirt, a stack of extension forms for clients who haven’t yet begun looking for their W-2s, and a big bottle of Jack Daniels for when he finally remembers he hasn’t done his own taxes. His winning limerick is:

The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that finally, I get a say
About where all the money
That I earned for my Honey
Is going to be spent today

image015The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day”
If you really do want to play
You can look for nice buns
And with your refund
You will pay for a very nice lay

The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day:
It came before the year’s half-way.
But since Obama’s in hock to the Chinese
It’s our balls that will get the squeeze,
As our “full faith and credit” is in rapid decay.

Here’s a rejected e-filing from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that Uncle Sam releases your pay.
But don’t get too comfy with your dollars and cents
‘Cause Big Brother’s fiscal appetite is immense:
With more line items than stars in the Milky Way.

image016The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is it’s the last day that we have to pay,
For handouts and welfare,
And bridges to nowhere,
But under Clinton— it came in May.

The best part about Tax Freedom Day,
No more money this year pissed away,
Change the date for election,
April 15 is our selection,
And just hope to keep politicians at bay.

image021These are some disallowed deductions from Bobby Leach
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
You can now keep all of your pay!
Oh well, maybe not “all,”
The F-ing Auditor might call,
And take the rest of it away.

The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is you get to keep some of your pay.
But if a DemocRAT gets elected
It’ll be worse than expected
They’ll take ALL of your money away.

E Rob Sanders denies he sent these tax avoidance tips
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
The Gov can’t take more money away
Or so you would hope,
But only a dope
Would believe they won’t find a way.

image022Every time you fill up your tank
Or earn interest on what’s in the bank
You’ll owe them more tax,
And that’s just the facts
Just send them a check that is blank.

Even Tax Freedom Day’s not the end
You’ll pay taxes every damned time you spend
But look at the bright side
We have Obama as our guide!
He’s got plenty of moolah to lend.

Oh, thank God for the change he has brought
And all the lessons he has taught
But he wouldn’t give you a dime
Or even tell you the time
And as Samuel Morse would say, “What hath Obama wrought?”

But you know, taxes are part of our life
They needn’t cause us so much strife
Just quit your job and wait
image024You’ll get food stamps and Section 8
I wish we’d elected Barney Fife.

But enough about Barack for now
Bless his heart, he’s trying to show us how
Sadly, though, he’s a Commie,
With a Kenyan dad and Hawaiian mommy
Folks, you better keep an eye on the Dow.

Always remember we need to pay taxes
They helped us in the 40s to beat the Axis
But back then we were at war
Today, we’re governed by a whore
And people, you better keep watchin’ your backses.

image018I might suggest that BO stay in hidin’
If he is hurt, we will be stuck with Biden
I think I would rather
Be a hunter-gatherer
Than have to put up with those who are guidin’

But anyway, I admit I digress
Tax Freedom Day is the topic I guess,
I should lay off Obama
And bad mouth the Dali Lama,
After this, I gotta go to the priest and confess.

In closing just let me say,
I’m sorry I got carried away
I will try not to cry
But I think I now know why
They took my poetic license away

image026And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s had his taxes done for free at H&R Wenstrup’s office at 7954 Beechmont Avenue, directly across the street from Anderson Tea Party Headquarters):

The best part about Tax Freedom Day
They’ve already taken all your money away
If you gave the government every cent
And kept nothing, not even for rent
By April 18th, that’s all you need to pay.

But they don’t take it all at one time
They take it at three cents for every dime
It comes out the whole damned year
Taxing everything, even your beer
Hey, I thought stealing was a crime!

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes”


OVER-TAXED PAYERS HOT LINE

E-mail your tax cheating tips today

You've been spotted

Some non-deductible items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally non-deductible subscribers.


OVER-TAXED PAYERS LINKS OF THE DAY

The Pink Panther – Pink-Come Tax

PLUS

Tax Freedom Day

TurboTax: The Rap (Extended Version)

How to File Taxes, in Two Minutes!

How Could I Live Without Filing Taxes?

$700 Billion Tax Refund

image028Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.


Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here

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