Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

We used to be able to get some really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch at our Opening Day games, but lately we’ve had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. We’ve gone from local losers like Mallory and Odd Todd to an over-the-hill recording artist like Nick Lachey, retired Reds broadcasters, police chiefs, and sheriffs, to Joe Torre, losing manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic. —Señor Bob Castellini
The Reds promised they were saving me to throw out the ceremonial first pitch on Gay Night. —Rob “Fighting for “Flutterballs” Portman
Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? —Findlay Market Parade Committee
What a great place to get signatures to allow the people of Cincinnati to stop the Parking Plot. —Parking Petitioners
Please don’t ask how I’m getting out of paying for all those parking tickets I get every Saturday morning at Mount Lookout Square. —Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin’
We didn’t anticipate the full extent of Judge Winkler’s Solomonic decision, slapping down our Nine Fine Clowns at City Hall for passing laws illegally every time they used their bogus Emergency Powers. —Parking Giveaway Opponents Attorney Curt Hartman
Does that mean if I had been doing my job, I might have realized that every single emergency power law those clowns passed was illegal? —Cincinnati City Solicitor John Curp
Everybody who wasn’t watching ABC’s George Stephanopoulos interviewing an atheist on Easter probably tuned in Sunday night for the final episode of “The Bible” on the History Channel. —Edward Cropper
Now check out our 12′ x 40′ oil on canvas mural of “The Resurrection” depicting the moment Jesus emerged from the tomb. —Museum of Biblical Art in Dallas, Texas
We were only too happy to scrub our coverage of two Spring Break vacations for Sasha and Malia (skiing in Idaho and sunbathing in the Bahamas) while the White House was still closed to tourists and millions of dollars was being spent by Obama and Biden on their vacations. —Obama Supporters in the Press
Yesterday in a White House ceremony, surrounded by young children of Wall Street bankers, and of staffers at the Federal Reserve, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Obama signed an executive order designating April First as “National Fiscal Responsibility Day.” —Scrappleface
That’s why the president, who has only increased the national debt by $53,377 per household, has proclaimed April “National Financial Capability Month,” during which his administration will do things such as teach young people “how to budget responsibly.” —White House Spokesdweeb Jay Cardboard
There were more than a mere smattering of boos when Obama was shown on the big screen at Saturday’s Elite 8 game between Syracuse and Marquette at the Verizon Center in Washington, D.C. —Racist Sports Fans
Only one of the four picks in Obama’s March Madness Brackets actually made it to the Elite 8. —ESPN
And Obama only went two for 22 when he tried to impress people with his shooting skills at Monday’s Easter Egg Roll basketball toss. —Politico
Remember when Opening Day in Cincinnati used to be really unique and at least somewhat important and worth noting, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season? —Abner Doubleday
On this date in 1513, Ponce de Leon discovered Florida, and in spite of that, Señor Bob Castellini, says the Reds will continue to play their Spring Training games in Arizona. So there’s no way local fans will be able to make that drive in 17 hours, not even if you’re riding with lead-footed Bob McEwen. —Hurley the Historian
Would this be a good time to announce my new “Sports Crap” show on CFK-TV? —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall
Three years ago this weekend the Washington Post spent all that money to send Krissah Thompson to cover Loony Libertarian Jim Berns’ Protest in a Tea Cup in front of my house at 1018 Benz Avenue in Price Hill, just so they could use the word “vitriol” in their headline. —Steve in Swaziland, wherever in hell that is.
Is it too early to make plans for this year’s big Tax Day Rally on April 15? —Anderson Tea Party Patriots
Is today the day we find out when 2013 Tax Freedom Day will be arriving this year? —Ohio Over-taxed Payers
Would you believe Loony Libertarian Cincinnati Mayoral Candidate Jim Berns will definitely be in all of the Mayoral Debates? —The League of Women Vipers
Last year at this time, there were only 49 mudslinging days until Thomas Massie clobbered us in our May 22 Congressional Primary in Kentucky, —Once Moore, Brian D. Oerther, Alecia Webb-Edgington, Tom Wurtz, Marcus Carey, and Walter C. Schumm, whoever in hell these losers are
Remember in 1980 when Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench?” —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
Reds Opening Day is always a big day for us, because there’s no place else near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar (that nobody ever goes to) at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, and the food at the new Horseshoe Casino isn’t worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there, even if that boondoggle is ever built..—Northern Kentucky Restaurants and Bars
Remember when baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money? —Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception
Isn’t anybody tired of watching Señor Bob pay millions for mediocrity and hope his players over-achieve so this year we can win at least one game in the playoffs? —Typical Rooter Farley Fairweather
That’s why we chose Bob Lemon’s “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Baseball has been berry, berry good to me. — Chico Escuela
Skaggie Maggie forgot to put a picture of my wild pitch on the front page yesterday. —Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory
A guy called in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?” —Bobby Leach
We certainly hope The Fishwrap provides this much coverage for our home opener at Erpenbeck Stadium on May 17. —Florence Freedom Fans
This year once again, I made sure Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was NOT asked to throw out the first pitch. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen
I thought Blondie was going to ask me to throw out the first pitch, but maybe their insurance wouldn’t cover it if I plunked just one more batter. —“BeanBall Jim” Bunning
I’m already scheduled for the Midget Tossing Night. —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele
“Sticky Fingers” wants to know if they’re having an “Embezzlers Night.” —Vanilla Hills Civic Club
How much is the beer at Erpenbeck Stadium? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
How much is a side of beef? —Clueless Marc Wilson
I have a cheerleader client who could help them get a lot of great publicity. — Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters
Did you know that baseball is Biblical? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and God threw them both out. —Bible Thumpers Museum
In my new “tell all” book, you’ll read about all those guys who couldn’t get to first base. —Miss Vicki
In Fort Mitchell, our husbands don’t really know if they even got on base. —Uptight Bitches who fake their orgasms
April Fool’s Day comes once a year, but who’s the biggest fool of all? —Goof Doofus
What do you mean last Saturday’s e-dition of The Whistleblower wasn’t a real apology? —Disgraced Anderson Township Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien’s Enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal
Could you tell us where to apply for the Whistleblower’s Summer Internship Program? —Huggable Howard Wilkinson and Mean Jean Schmidt’s Former News Flack Barrett Brunsman
Could you tell us which one of our local TV anchorbabes got a boob reduction? —Horny in Hebron
Why would any woman ever want to do that? —Some guy named Steve
You’d never catch any of our anchorbabes doing a dumb thing like that .—Fox TV Network News
Trish the Dish wants to know if the Reds are mathematically eliminated yet. —TV 19 News
Sheree Paolello wants to thank The Blower for her new “I Love Morehead” T-Shirt. —Jack Atherton Atherton (Still at Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you missed me)

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower ridicules Sports Talk Show Hosts to show that obsession with sports when there are so many other important problems in the world is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t begging us to give him a weekly sports column in The Blower.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Andy FurBall.

SPOILED SPORTS HOT LINE

E-mail your Opening Day Observations today

Some unsportsmanlike items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unsportsmanlike subscribers.

Link of the Day

President Bush’s Opening Pitch at Yankee Stadium After 9-11

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.