Saturday, February 2, 2013
Groundhog Day (Again)
According to folklore and an almost endless amount of meaningless media hype, if celebrity groundhog Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, there’ll be six more weeks of winter. Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1887 the first Groundhog Day featured a rodent meteorologist predicting the weather at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Bill Vaughn’s: “The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.”
But each year at this time, the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel (formerly Jake-Whore) also beg The Blower not to remind people about that fateful day in 1995 when helicopter traffic reporter John Phillips got arrested and was later convicted for strafing groundhogs from his helicopter at the Blue Ash Airport, or that time at Phillips’ court appearance when he broke down and unsuccessfully tried to claim “Guns don’t kill groundhogs, people do.”
The Greedy Weasels are still trying to identify that guy from WGRR Radio who dressed up in a groundhog costume we all saw on TV waving through the glass on the courtroom door.
The Greedy Weasels would also not like us to remind you about their hypocrisy, citing that time Punxsutawney Phillips slammed Bill Clinton for his moral failings in one breath, then advertised Bristol’s strip joint in the next. Phillips is no longer on the air at WLW Hate Radio after his contract was finally not renewed.
Friends of Phil now demand that Groundhog Day be declared a national holiday. Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters think everybody should get the day off with pay and Eastern Avenue be renamed the Punxsutawney Phil Highway.
Meanwhile, Tom and Rose are hoping there’s mail delivery on Groundhog Day, since our long-suffering Obsessive Compulsive Obama Supporters are still waiting for a check from MoveOn.Org to help them pay off the massive debts they incurred in 2009 throwing their Obama Coronation Bash at the Camargo Country Club.
“Friends of Phil” is not associated with that fan club for Cincinnati Police Officer Phil (aka Philicia) Barnes, who sued the bejesus out of the City after he/she was demoted from sergeant for not exhibiting command presence by sporting mascara and lipstick, long painted fingernails, permanently arched eyebrows, and 38-DD breast implants. That “Friends of Philicia” group still meets secretly in the special unisex restroom at District Two.
Meanwhile in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and fellow gourmands like Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich always get together for brunch at Beaver’s on Groundhog Day to enjoy some of that world-famous delicious Groundhog Stew. Clueless asks, “Where’s the Beaver?” but Kane says, “That’s good groundhog.”
Groundhog Day is always a special time for our own Linda Libel, since Kane took our longtime Whistleblower gossip columnist to a Groundhog Day party where she first met her husband, and in all those years since, Linda still hasn’t forgiven him. Come to think of it, neither has her husband.
Whistleblower Zoological Reporter Mayne Thaynard says most people think Groundhog’s Day came early this year, because today, with only “276” more days until the 2013 Elections, people are still waiting for Obama’s Campaign Rally/ State of Dis-Union Speech on Lincoln’s Birthday. It’s too bad he didn’t deliver it on “Groundhog’s Day,” because if you think all of Obama’s teleprompter speeches have all been the same, you won’t be imagining you’ve heard it all before.
And no matter if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow or not, GOP Members of Congress will still be smearing each other for at least six more weeks.
And The Blower’s sure Ohio’s Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be announcing the location of his new District Office at 7954 Beechmont Avenue across the street from the Anderson Tea Party Headquarters sometime during the next six weeks.
Meanwhile, Terrorists just bombed the U.S. Embassy in Turkey and any moment John Kerry will be lurching leftward to hold his first press conference as Hillary’s replacement as Obama’s Clueless Secretary of State.
Back in the USA, poverty’s up, middle class incomes are down, one-in-five are on food stamps, the GAO says the deficit is “unsustainable,” and the only reason the unemployment rate isn’t closer to 11% is because the labor force has shrunk to thirty-year lows since Obama took office. Curiously, according all of our Obama Supporters in the Press, Punxsutawney Phil will be reporting Obama’s Recovery is doing just fine.
Best of all, the IRS says under Obamacare, the cheapest health insurance plan available in 2016 for a family will cost $20,000 for the year. Under Obamacare, Americans will be required to buy health insurance or pay a penalty to the IRS. Do you think all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Voters will complain.
And if you think that $20,000 will be painful to pay, just wait until you see those easy-to-follow instructions the IRS will be requiring you to follow when you try to figure out how much you’ll have to pay in fines.
This year Groundhog Day is also a special date for Hamilton County Property Owners, since Our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor (who until this year has always been permitted to run unopposed by the RINOs at 700 Walnut Street) says, “Even if Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see his shadow today, your jacked-up drive-by-appraised property taxes still had to be postmarked before midnight on Thursday.”
Finally, from ESPN, we have a vintage souvenir photograph of the OchoCinco Groundhog at the Super Bowl in New Orleans.
GROUNDHOG DAY HOT LINE
e-mail your political predictions today
Some woodchuck whacking items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally woodchuck whacking subscribers, but we could always use more.
Link of the Day
Punxsutawney Polamalu Sees His Shadow
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