Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of local celebrity resolutions. Here’s some we’ll probably see:
“JAYWALKING JOE” DETERS: call murderers and rapists “scum” like I used to do in good old days.
OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: Color Ohio “Blue” on the new state maps.
MILLIONAIRE REPUBLICAN U.S. SENATOR ROB “FIGHTING FOR FORGETFULNESS” PORTMAN: attend the next Romney Supporters Anonymous Meeting in Goshen.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: try to find a little “Feck.”
COAST AND THE NAALCP: No matter how irrelevant we may become, make sure we make lots of money for Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney and SMLP Smithermouth.
AWARD-WINNING PHOTOILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION: make fun of more politicians, like when that Tea Party Congressman compared John Boehner to Mel Gibson’s Braveheart..
TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2013 Elections on November 5.
DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA: Make sure Judge Mrs. $tan Che$ley counts the votes until all unqualified liberal Black judicial candidates are elected.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP: concentrate on something really important, like finding more Facebook friends.
GREEDY HEARSE-CHASING, DISGRACED-DEMOCRAT CLINTON-LOVING, FEN-PHEN SCANDAL PLAGUED, NOT-YET-INDICTED TRIAL ATTORNEY $TAN CHE$LEY: try not to wake up the Kentucky Bar Association.
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”
BLUE CHIP YOUNG REPUBLICANS: find some decent speakers to appear at our meetings.
STEVE CHABOTHEAD: donate Amazing Chabot Head royalties to Jack Atherton’s Home for the Hairless.
THAT LAME-DUCK, CORRUPT, EVICTED, LYING, PLAGIARIZING, MEDDLING, OVERBLOWN, BOUGHT-AND-PAID-FOR, TAX-AND-SPEND, WRINKLE-PUSS RINO BITCH-IN-A-DITCH MEAN JEAN SCHMIDT: Plot her political comeback.
“BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP’S INEXPERIENCED-AND-INCOMPETENT TRANSITION TEAM: Make sure somebody knows the location of Ohio’s Second Congressional District Office in Anderson Township.
TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Issue a grassroots call to action to replace GOP House Speaker John Boehner in the January 3 vote.
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: Support Former Sheriff Simon Leis’ return to the Hamilton County Courthouse as a visiting judge.
CINCINNATI’S DAINTY DEMOCRAT MAYOR MARK MALLORY: Work on my legacy.
“JOHN BOY” CRANLEY AND “FOXY ROXY” QUALLS: Try to convince people you’d do a better job running the city than Loony Libertarian Jim Berns.
CINCINNATI’S STILL UNTESTED POLICE CHIEF JAMES CRAIG: Get a hold of some really great Cheat Sheets.
HAMILTON COUNTY COMMISSIONERS: Devote more time to raising taxes and spending over-taxed payers’ money.
WARREN COUNTY COMMISSIONER DAVE YOUNG: More appearances on National TV for running a debt-free county government.
CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN: laugh all the way to the bank.
DISGRACED ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE KEVIN O’BRIEN: Try to get another delay at my public masturbation trial in January.
FOREST HILLS URINAL EDITOR ERIC SPANGLER: continue to cover-up for incompetent and dishonest local elected officials.
BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO: Find a few more good NoKY snitches.
KENTUCKY’S FORMER FOURTH DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN GOOF DOOFUS: Spend a lot more time with my fellow lobbyists.
U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL: Start more rumors about my 2016 Presidential Campaign.
CAMPBELL COUNTY JUDGE/EXECUTIVE STEVE SPENDERY: Waste more over-taxed payers’ money in 2013 so I’ll deserve my Official Whistleblower Nickname.
KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E. ROB SANDERS: find a bigger place for next year’s Christmas Party.
ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY, BIG MOUTH, MOST SANCTIONED, AMBULANCE CHASER, NO COUNT OF A RADIO HOST, SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTER, WILLIE WANNABE, WHY HAVEN’T I BEEN DISBARRED, WHO LIKES BULLDOGS AND FAILED ROADHOUSE OPERATOR” DETERS: hope my frivolous lawsuit against The Fishwrap goes better than my landmark debacle against Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and The Whistleblower.
ALONG WITH KANE, CLUELESS MARC WILSON AND SCOTT “PASS THE BISCUITS” KIMMICH: 100% attendance at ALL Weight Gainers meetings.
MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH: Learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
HORNY IN HEBRON: check out more of those Wilder Women.
VANILLA HILLS VIGILANTE: Get City Clown-cil to change the city’s name to “Vanilla Down-Hills.”
MISS VICKI: Publish a complete list of all those Uptight Bitches in Fort Thomas who faked their orgasms on World Orgasms for Peace Day.
OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH: e-mail more vile-and-disgusting photos to The Blower.
DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN OBAMA SUPPORTERS: Ignore the economy and higher taxes.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Continue trying to teach people that “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE: Try to find a better line than “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES: promise if we can’t find anything nice to say about somebody, to e-mail The Blower immediately!
These are the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.
BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
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Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.
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