Friday, December 28, 2012
Another Good Year for Our Rancid Rhymes.
Here are Just a Few Egregious Examples from Percy Dovetonsils:
- Voters said my time wasn’t through in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Obama
- Because more free stuff was duein the Year 2-0-1-2. —Dumbed-down, Self-absorbed, Media-influenced, Celebrity-obsessed, Politically-correct, Uninformed, Short-attention-span Obama Supporters
- Our Liberal Bias only grew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Obama Supporters in the Press
- Over the Fiscal Cliff we flew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —GOP House Speaker John Boehner
- Once again, Ohio turned “Blue” in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Governor Kasich and the So-Called Ohio Republican Party
- Our dreams of four year terms finally did come true in the Year 2-0-1-2.—Mark Mallory’s Extreme Liberal City Clown-cil
- My qualifications were up to judicial review in the Year 2-0-1-2. — Cincinnati’s Still Untested Police Chief James Craig
- Nepotism came into full view in the Year 2-0-1-2. —CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street
- We raised your taxes anew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Hamilton County Republicans Me, Greg Hartmann and Chris Monzel
- I didn’t even say “Thank You!” in the Year 2-0-1-2. —“Millionaire Mike” Brown
- The Winklers said “Screw You!” inthe Year 2-0-1-2. —Republicans for Higher Taxes
- A new First District they drew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Steve Chabothead
- GOP Primary voters told me to shoo in the Year 2-0-1-2. —That Lame-Duck, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-and-paid-For, Tax-and-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt
- Loyal Campaign Workers we’d screw in the Year 2-0-1-2. —“Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s Inexperienced-and-Incompetent Transition Team
- Stay-at-home Conservatives never came throughin the Year 2-0-1-2. —Anderson Tea Party Patriots
- My hand often filled with gooin the Year 2-0-1-2. —Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien
- Our readers’ subscriptions they withdrew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Skaggie Maggie and the Feckless Fishwrappers
- We’re still tried and true in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Romney Supporters Anonymous in Goshen
- Your guilt pulled us through in the Year 2-0-1-2. —The Seediest Kids of All
- It was a twelve month hullabaloo in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
- You still don’t have a clue why I quit in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Goof Doofus
- All those felons we’d subduein theYear 2-0-1-2. —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders
- Even The Fishwrap I would sue in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
- We enjoyed chicken cordon bleu in theYear 2-0-1-2. —Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich
- We faked quite a few in theYear 2-0-1-2. —Uptight Bitches in Ft. Mitchell Who Fake Their Orgasms
- We enjoyed lots of home brew in theYear 2-0-1-2. —Bill Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith
- Our new web page we’d debut in theYear 2-0-1-2. —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
Stories We’re Working On
- Fiscal Cliff Ruins Obama’s Family Vacation
- America to Hit Debt Ceiling on New Year’s Eve
- Reid Abdicates Fiscal Cliff Talks
- Boehner Getting Ready to Cave
- Hotels Dropping Prices for Obama’s Inauguration
- Obama asks supporters to help pay for his Inauguration
- Obama says “The best is yet to come.”
Whistleblower Web Poll
Today, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they’d like to celebrate New Year’s Eve next week:
(A) Drinking crappy champagne: 2%
(B) Breaking New Year’s resolutions: 1%
(C) Watching the ball drop on TV: 3%
(D) Remembering about having hot sex: 94%
Year-End Wussie Bashing
The winner is Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, whose selection was really no total surprise to the staff since he always picks the winning entries himself (along with which photograph of himself to use.) Kane says “It’s the same fair, open, and honest process used by both the GOP and DemocRAT Parties to make their important choices.”
Kane wins an “My Predictions Turned out Great in 2012” T-shirt with a picture of Hamilton County still in “Blue,” a list of everybody else’s resolutions from last year to follow-up, and 1,001 more snitches to make his job easier. His winning limerick is:
In 2007 our New Year’s resolution
Was to fight all that liberal pollution
To repeal all the taxes,
We’d sent no more faxes,
e-mail was the only solution.
In 2008 our New Year’s resolution
Was to destroy a Liberal institution!
We’ll break out the glass,
And really kick ass,
And with a chain saw, exact retribution!
In 2009 our New Year’s resolution
Meant you’ll be in for some real persecution;
The Blower Motto we’d remember,
From January through December,
In our new right-wing revolution.
In 2010 our New Year’s Resolution
Had seen significant evolution:
We thought about voting Republican,
But they’ve been blue since who remembers when,
So we joined the Tea Party Revolution.
In 2011 our New Year’s Resolution
Was to go to Confession and seek absolution
For all the times we’ve cussed out Obama
And his Socialist electoral drama,
That’s fast bringing on our dissolution.
And another New Year’s Resolution
Will be to divest myself of all pollution.
TV, cell phone, computer – in the trash!
But, lest my actions seem unduly rash,
I’m keeping the radio on, in case there’s a revolution.
Because this time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to escape from this Institution
We’ll make a rope from my sheets
And hope we land on our feets
And try to find us all a solution.
In 2012 our New Year’s resolution
Is to tune in to Obama’s elocution
We’ll watch all of his rants
And try not to poop in our pants
When he claims he has the solution.
From Northern Kentucky
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to try to find a solution
To the question of where Obama
Was born to his Mama,
So we don’t go against the Constitution!
This time my New Year’s Resolution
Will be striving to avoid Obama’s elocution
His damned toothy face
Is all over the freaking place
And his gas is worse than any CO2 pollution.
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this Obama-basher:
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to hope for a painful execution
Of the members of Congress
Who created our fiscal mess
And are brain-dead when they look for a solution.
And while we punish Senators and Reps
Let’s take a few more drastic steps
And curse the Messiah
Who caused this financial bonfire
And threatened us with an economic eclipse
I’ll try to be relentless and firm
Hoping we can impeach this phony worm
And before I repent
I’ll get the 47%
Who elected this a-hole for a second term
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The biggest story we found last year”
—Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Rhyme Timers to show that overusing rhetorical flourishes will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t afflicted with Obsessive-compulsive Rhyming Disorder.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially Whistleblower Limerick Contestants.