Monday, December 24, 2012
It’s Always More Blessed to Receive
Hurley the Historian says the exact date of Jesus’ birth is not known, but that’s not a good enough reason to change all the calendars. Plus, tonight TBS will be airing “A Christmas Story” twelve times during Christmas Eve and Christmas. Politicians are exploiting Christmas every chance they get. We’re wondering if it’ll be as bad as it was a couple of years ago when in Washington State,somebody nailed Santa to a cross to protest Christmas commercialism, and in New Zealand, drunk Santas stormed a movie theatre, leaving children really confused.
The reason we’re seeing more Christmas scenes taking place at Joseph’s carpenter shop in Bethlehem instead of the stable in Nazareth (70 miles away) is due to a change in Roman Catholic Church policy of favoring Matthew’s version of the story as opposed to the other three New Testament authors. Besides, they found a sponsor for the carpenter shop location: Black and Decker.
Our Quote for Today Committee selected Bad Santa’s “It’s always more blessed to receive.” Our Pervert Porn Checker e-mailed us a picture entitled “How to get what you want for Christmas,” and sure enough, it showed Santa getting a BJ. And if you think that’s in bad taste, check out the Corporate Christmas Card the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel sent to some of their soon-to-be-fired employees who once again received no Christmas bonuses this year.
Is it always better to give or receive? Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says, “Just ask all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama supporters who voted for more free stuff and will wind up with a nice tax increase on January 1, along with the rest of us during the Dark Ages in the Divided States of America during Obama’s Second Term.
Today’s Seediest Kid of All
The Bobby Blevins Story
Little Bobby Blevins and his family have been living in a van down by the river in Newtown after they ignored safety warnings and their Amazing Chabot Head decorated for the holidays caught fire, and incinerated their mobile home. Unfortunately, the voice mail message for the constituency services case worker in Ohio Second Congressional District Mean Jean Schmidt’s office informed the Blevins family that “Mean Jean’s” office had been closed and there was no Congressional Constituent Service available, since “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s inept-and-inexperienced transition team had only last Thursday gotten final approval for some office space on Beechmont Avenue across the street from the Anderson Tea Party Headquarters.
So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) took little Bobby, his parents, and 11 brothers and sisters to Senator Rob “Fighting for Families” Portman’s house just up the road in Terrace Park, because as The Robster’s holiday e-mail (paid for by the Portman for Senate Committee) said, “Despite the many challenges we face as a nation, we can draw strength from our faith, our families, and the spirit of hope and renewal at Christmas and the New Year.”
While the Blevins brood was visiting with Rob and Jane, they received a commemorative copper pot engraved with a picture of Rob hugging Mitt Romney after the First Presidential Debate, earlier this year as a souvenir of their visit.
The Blevins family still lives in a rusted-out van with Romney bumper sticker down by the river, but at least they know if things ever really get bad, they still have a friend in the U.S. Senate. Plus, thanks to the generosity of the Portman for Senate Campaign, they now have a pot to piss in. The entire Blevins family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt-giving throughout the year which makes it all possible.
More Christmas Crap
When we last left our over-the-top Obamamaniacs Tom and Rose, Rose had just returned from a very short stay in the hospital where she was being treated for frostbite. Tom was preparing to head home from his volunteer fund-raising job at National Public Radio to cheer up Rose’s day with a nice bouquet of Obama-loons. But, before he left the office, Tom cooked up another real surprise for Rose by booking a trip to the Holy Land on Priceline.com, using his new MoveOn.org credit card. “I’ve always wanted to see the birth place of the savior,” said a happy Tom. “And, I hear this is an especially nice time of the year to visit Hawaii, the State that gave us our Obamessiah!”
Speaking of Hawaii: This Christmas All Our Obamas will be spending Christmas on Oahu for the fifth straight year, while federal and local over-taxed payers are likely to be left with a holiday bill that tops $4 million in borrowed money for the first family’s security and travel expenses to the exclusive retreat known for its turquoise waters and rolling surf.
Meanwhile, More Obama Ornaments Have Arrived
The Amazing Chabot Head
Decorated for the Holidays with the Star of Dubya on Top
An e-mail from Santa
Those miserable brats, those ungrateful jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I’ve busted my ass for nearly a year. Instead of “Thanks a lot, Santa,” what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ’cause I work late at night. The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, those assholes from the IRS just sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, if that ain’t damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids nowadays, they’re all just the pits. They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds. Assembling dolls…their arms, legs, and their heads.
I made lots of yo-yos. No request for them. They want computers and robots… who am I, IBM?
Flying through the air, dodging those trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job. There’s just no enjoyment. I’ll sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment.
There’ll be no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde. I’m going South for the season.
Maybe next year, you’ll get something nice. But tonight just for you, I have some advice.
Get up off your asses. You have until dawn. Wal-Mart will be open, till everything’s gone.
But what if Bobby Leach handled Santa’s Correspondence?
And Bobby would write back: “Send me your mother…”
Now Here’s Another Holiday Safety Tip
TAKING CHRIST OUT OF X-MA$ HOTLINE
e-mail your liberal blasphemies today.
Some politically incorrect items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally politically incorrect subscribers