One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
In Washington, They Re-gift Your Own Tax Money
- GIFTS YOU CAN’T AFFORD: In Washington, our DC Newsbreaker says yesterday everybody was waiting to see if GOP House Speaker John Boehner had totally caved in to Obama and Disingenuous DemocRATS in the Senate, just because he caved on the Fiscal Cliff and raising the Debt Limit during our Daily December Drama.
Meanwhile, Obama’s using the Sandy Hook Massacre to push tax hikes. Team Obama is raising money off the shootings. A new poll says Americans think action to treat Mental Illness will do more to stop another Newtown shooting than Gun Control Legislation. White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard again told the White House Press Corpse Obama needed a Mass-Killing to “Remind” him to “Do More” on Gun Control. US Gun sales are hotter than a $2 pistol after the Connecticut massacre and the Chinese State Media agrees with the Obama Administration: Law-Abiding American citizens need to be totally disarmed.
What was it The Blower said on November 7, that all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters now have a country they truly deserve?
- SPEAKING OF GIFTS: What better way to get our dwindling number of Obsessive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose to demonstrate their unwavering devotion than to get them to purchase one more Obama Christmas item this year, like this rhodium metal ornament made in China for only $40 with proceeds benefitting Obama’s 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.
- IN OHIO, THE HEARTACHE OF IT ALL: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says Miami University is representing Ohio by marching in Obama’s Inaugural Parade a month from today. How many Obama Supporters in the Press reporting on the event will care to mention that losing Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan attended Miami?
- MEANWHILE IN OH2: Why didn’t Congressman-Elect “Bronze Star Brad” Westrup’s Rout Step Transition Team have so much troublefinding those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights in Adams County? Maybe the team wasn’t from hereabouts, didn’t realize the Amish don’t have electricity. It’s easy to make jokes about the Amish, they don’t get e-mail, so they won’t know they’ve been offended.
And the reason “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s staffers didn’t invite any of “Bronze Star’s Transition Team” to her big Christmas Party at the Horseshoe Casino on Friday before they packed up and moved out was because all packed up and moving out they didn’t even know if they existed.
- THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP has a new member in its latest video showing the Whistleblower Elves in Congress when Santa isn’t watching. Can you guess his identity?
- AND AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: everybody was asking if there’d be any bloodshed at the Crosstown Shootout between UC and Xavier at the US Bank Arena on Wednesday night. “It’ll all depend on who’s giving the post game interview,” explained Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, “the UC Coach or the police chief.”
- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Tomorrow, if that Mayan calendar were somehow incorrect, everybody will be getting ready for World Fake Orgasm for Peace Day, and nowhere on the planet will the event be celebrated with such enthusiasm as it will be in the Tri-state. There’ll be a giant group orgasm at the Phallic Peace Pole in Anderson, the Piece Bell in Newport will be ringing continuously because every time you head a bell ring it means some lucky lady is having an orgasm, the sign on the Y’All Ville water tower even says, “Y’All Come,” and Miss Vicki says all those uptight bitches from Fort Mitchell are still planning to celebrate “Fake Orgasms for Peace Day.”
So our good friend Michael “Liquid” Plummer organized our Fort Mitchell focus group this week to try to determine how guys could figure out when their womenfolk were faking it, and this morning as a huge pubic service, The Whistleblower is pleased to bring you the “Top Ten Ways You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm”:
10. She won’t stop yawning. 9. She keeps yelling, “Hurry up, Steve! Aren’t you finished yet?” 8. She keeps moaning somebody else’s name. 7. She keeps asking, “What are you doing back there?” 6. She won’t answer when you ask if it’s the best sex she’s ever had. 5. She asks if she can count on your vote. 4. She falls asleep before you do. 3. She says she forgot to take her Orgasmo. 2. She asks if you forgot to take your Viagra. …and the Number One Way You’ll Know She’s Faking an Orgasm is… She says, “Next time start without me!”
- MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY chose Jon Carroll ‘s “Everyone should live to be 92 years old, have an orgasm and drop dead.”
And now we have your Winter Solstice Joke: So, a man goes to the doctor on Winter Solstice Day to get some tests done. After a little while, the doctor comes back and says, “I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that you have six months to live.”
“What’s the good news?” says the man.
“Well, the days are getting longer,” said the doctor.
- BACK AT HE BLOWER, holiday cards displayed include the personally signed one from George and Laura and The Blower’s own holiday card that says “Forget the Christmas Season, the whole thing’s really crappy, just give us a scandal, to make us all happy.” The verse was written by Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his bestselling book: “Let’s Celebrate the Solstice.” The third card is from Boondoggle County Judge Defective Once Moore that says, “The economy’s down, Times are hard, Here’s your Fuckin’ Christmas Card.” The envelope says it was not mailed at over-taxed payers’ expense. If you believe that, we have a bridge we’d like to sell you.
- FINALLY, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says that Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club), says they’ll be serving plenty of Absolut Plummer Vodka at the Cabal’s Christmas Party on December 22 at Sidebar (formerly Coco’s) in Covington.
Seediest Kids of All
The Alan Falfa Story
So the Seediest Kids of All (not associated with the Failed United Way) sent over an electric train for Alan, an electric saw for Alan’s father so he can get some part-time work as a scab carpenter remodeling the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, an electric blanket to keep Alan’s arthritic grandmother warm on cold winter nights, and an electric hair dryer for Alan’s 15-year-old sister Missy, so she can look nice when she goes out with that decrepit Channel 9 sportscaster who promised her a job as an intern at the station after Horny in Hebron’s favorite massage parlor in Covington was padlocked.
The Falfa family has you to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible. Now if those heartless bastards from Duke Energy don’t turn off the Falfa Family’s electricity on Christmas Eve like they do every year, things will be a whole lot merrier.
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our December fund-raising drive by Sidebar (formerly Coco’s in Covington) which advertises you can “Get Bombed for only $4 on Wednesdays.”