Monday, August 27, 2012
What Local Undecided Voters Think About the Political Conventions
Derogatory DemocRATS are doing a rain dance to add to the terrible torrent in Tampa this week, but it’s still full steam ahead for the Mainstream Press to spend millions of dollars and waste everybody’s time for the next two weeks covering that pair of totally meaningless political conventions.
Because after all that hype and hoopla, DemocRATS will still be for Obama and Republicans will still be for Mitt Romney, and the only thing yet to be decided during the next “70” days until the November Elections will be how those undecided voters will react.
So the Whistleblower rounded up some of the usual suspects for a focus group to ask these local folks who claim they had not made up their minds what they thought about the upcoming political conventions in Tampa and Charlotte.
Mama Maruska, Retired: How is anybody supposed to know which candidate to vote for until the Morning Fishwrap publishes its political endorsements?
Porky Dorkman, Student: My teacher (who belongs to an exempted union) says all Republicans are mean people who hate children, and if my parents don’t vote for Obama, one dark night the sheriff will send his thugs to arrest me.
Marlene Mandible, Totally Unemployed: I’m still waiting for a tingle to run up my leg whenever I hear Obama speak, just like Chris Matthews on PMSNBC.
Earl Pitts, Taxidermist: Because Rob Portman wasn’t chosen as Romney’s running mate, I’m voting for Libertarian Gary “The Spoiler” Johnson, if he’s on the ballot.
Suzie Soccermom, Tea Party Princess: I know Paul Ryan is really a hunk with his shirt off, but I still wish Sarah Palin was on the ticket again.
Leroy Williams, Pimp: The president of the local NAALCP and Cincinnati’s Colored Mayor both support Obama. Besides, Obama’s black, and that’s good enough for me.
Norma Rashid, Former TV Anchorwoman: If Republican in Congress would only forget about repealing the ObamaTax, I could just sit home alone waiting for you-know-who to call, except every time the phone rings it’s just another recorded message from Michelle telling me not to forget to send in another $3 for a chance to meet her and Obama.
CH Snitch, 1000 Main Street: This weekend, the Hamilton County RINO Party says all party hacks are gladly volunteering to walk door-to-door campaigning for Mitt Romney, Josh Mandel, Steve Chabothead, and “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup, because that’s the only way Republicans will be able to win the presidency and both Houses of Congress in November.
Linda Libel, Gossip Columnist: If The Blower would only forget about covering the political conventions, maybe they could find more space to publish more of my salacious scandals, like the one about that Anderson Township Trustee who’s been accused of masturbating in a Wellborn woman’s car after she gave him a ride home from a party.
Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves: How’s this for my poem today?
In the days of the New Deal,
The words were “Tax and Spend.”
Now it’s Obama turn
Will this madness never end?
Jack Mehoff, Sperm Donor: I’ll be glad to see Family Values once again featured at the DemocRAT Convention in Charlotte when former Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton gives his big speech nominating Obama.
Emily Frump, Feminist: I’m still hoping to see if Hillary replaces Joe Biden on the ticket.
Reverum Calhoun, Minister: I’m waiting for Dishonest DemocRATS ask me to forget how the community is against Obama’s gay-marriage position and just pay me to tell my congregation to vote for Obama. Besides, Obama’s half black, and that’s good enough for me.
Seedy Diehl, Northern Kentucky Homeless Guy: Now that everybody’s forgotten about Obama’s Historic “Bridge Too Far” Campaign Speech in Cincinnati that won’t result in any new bridges being built because money for the Brent Spence Bridge wasn’t even included in the Federal Budget, is it all right if I return to my refrigerator box at the hobo camp and let all you over-taxed payers pay my Medicare expenses under the ObamaTax provisions.
Rashid Jones, Streetcorner Pharmacist: I can’t believe Martin Luther King, Jr. was really a Republican. Besides, Obama’s black, and that’s good enough for me.
Lance Loveguard, Sodomy Rites Activist: Obama and the DemocRATS support same-sex marriage, but there are all those gay prostitutes in Tampa getting ready for that flood of closeted Republicans at the Convention.
Sid Schlock, Slumlord: If Republicans in Congress would only forget about their “Path to Prosperity,” some of those deadbeats on welfare who live in my run-down property might even be able to afford to pay the rent.
Ken CamBoo, Journalist: So far I haven’t seen nearly enough negative attack ads on TV to help me make up my mind.
Ed Norton, Sewer Worker: I’m not really “undecided.” I just said it so you’d interview me, just like I do whenever a pollster calls on the telephone.
REAL AMERICANS HOT LINE
e-mail your ordinary views and opinions today.
Some focus group comments in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unfocused subscribers.
Links of the Day
2012 Republican National Convention
PLUS
Hurricane Isaac Coming For Republican National Convention?
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