Saturday, May 5, 2012
Kiss My Chalupa!
Non-Hispanic Lower Price Hill residents who don’t yet “Habla Espanol” may not be familiar with today’s mucho grande “Cinco de Mayo Festival.” Today’s “Fifth of May Celebration” gives our maracas-shaking news media something else to hype and commemorates the only Mexican battlefield victory over the French. That victory eventually led to today’s illegal Mexican immigration, the spread of Taco Bell restaurants all over America, and our most recent swine flu epidemic.
Remember what Vice President Joe Biden, God’s gift to late-night comedians, said about the danger of Swine Flu when he said that he would still tell his family to stay out of “confined places” like airplanes and subways in the United States, but the Obama administration never considered closing the United States to airplanes and buses from the epicenter of the epidemic in Mexico City, because that might make some Mexican feel bad.- Hurley the Historian says for Hispanics, Cinco de Mayo is a day of special music and parades, of little girls in flowing, frilly dresses, of beer and barbecue, or those homemade tamales with the little abueliteas only made by hand for special occasions.
Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of freedom. Back in the day, the French tried to conquer Mexico. On the Fifth of May (Cinco de Mayo) the much smaller Mexican army, with its bootleg uniforms and 99-cent store weapons, forced the much larger French army to run away, which began a French tradition that continues to this day.- Today, Cinco de Mayo is still about freedom. Like freeing hot girls from their bikini tops.
- The Illegal Immigrants Association says today’s the one day each year they can make the people they exploit feel really appreciated. Sources at the INS say they’re waiting to see how many illegal immigrants show up so they can deport them. But during this fourth year of Obama’s recession, the economy is still so bad, U.S. Border Guards are watching for Americans trying to sneak into Mexico.
How are Kneepad Liberals in the Press covering the event? With only “184” more days until the 2012 Elections, Obama will no doubt hold a meaningless Cinco de Mayo Press Conference after his “I Killed Bin Laden Rally” in Columbus. Newspapers are running special Mexican recipe sections. Until recent years, the politically correct press had ignored the illegal immigrant problem (and the people who exploit them) almost as long as they’d forgotten to mention Jungle Fever and homosexual priests.- Meanwhile, radio and TV sales departments are trying to sell even more advertising to Mexican bars and restaurants. As Trish the Dish so astutely observed last week, “This year Cinco de Mayo arrives on May 5.” Our weather guesser from Waco says, “If it rains, watch out for wet backs.” Former Cincinnatus Standard publisher Steve Fritsch will be mourning the fact that TV 12 salsa babe Sasha Rionda is no longer on the air, so he’ll still be watching reruns of her news show “en Espanol.” Judge $enora $tan Che$ley’s law clerk will be cleaning up “crappo de perro.” And one TV 19 cunning linguist says, “If the Cinco de Mayo Fiesta gets called off, will they have to hold the Mayo?”
We remember when Jay Severin, the fiery right-wing talk show host on Boston’s WTKK-FM radio station, was suspended indefinitely after calling Mexican immigrants “criminal aliens,” “primitives,” “leeches,” and exporters of “women with mustaches and VD,” among other incendiary comments.
“When we are the magnet for primitives around the world – and it’s not the primitives’ fault by the way, I’m not blaming them for being primitives – I’m merely observing they’re primitive,” he said.
He added that Mexicans are destroying schools and hospitals in the United States. He also criticized their hygiene.
“It’s millions of leeches from a primitive country come here to leech off you and, with it, they are ruining the schools, the hospitals, and a lot of life in America,” he said.
He added: “We should be, if anything, surprised that Mexico has not visited upon us poxes of more various and serious types already, considering the number of criminal aliens already here.”
No wonder WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham still thinks Severin is a God, and Willie has a suggestion for today’s “Whistleblower’s Word of the Day.”- And why aren’t the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel intentionally egging-on ethnic activist groups again this year? Their infamous “Big Juan” billboards got lots of free publicity for the station’s manufactured controversy a few years ago.
- Racial profiling is still a problem for Hispanics. It’s been really bad since September 11. Many people think just because Latinos have darker skins, they look a little like Arab terrorists. Actually, two Arabs meeting on Fountain Square last week were trying not to attract attention. One started to greet the other in their native language, but the other waved him away saying, “We’re in America now, Achmed. Speak Spanish.”
- Cincinnati Girly Man Mayor Dainty DemocRAT Mark Mallory says he’s sorry the City will only be able to stage a drive-by riot in Clifton on Cinco de Mayo this year because featured entertainer, Rapper T.I. is still unavailable, but when we have as many lawbreaking Latinos as we have Blacks shooting each other along the proposed route of the Trolley Folly, Mallory promises a full-scale revolution.
And don’t forget our other Girly Man DemocRAT, David A. Pepperica. On Cinco de Mayo, he likes to dress up like the Crisco Kid.- In Mason, Tom Ullum’s Pleasure Inn has a new sign in the window: “For Service, Show Us Your Green Card.”
- Also in Butler County, Sheriff Jones will no-doubt still be calling John Boehner “Soft on Illegal Immigration.”
- Conservative Critic Will duRANT IV says over-taxed payers should applaud Hispanic children who stay home on Cinco de Mayo. The Failed Cincinnati Public $chool Board gets a big break this year, because Cinco de Mayo does not fall on a week day. Public schools’ funding is determined, in part, by average attendance. So, the more illegal children who stay home on Cinco de Mayo, the less the funding for the school district will be. Plus, it would give a more accurate view of what the illegal student population is of a school district so that over-taxed payers and voters can see how much money is being spent on illegal immigrants’ children. If there were an anti-tax organization out there actually doing its job, they should grab onto the attendance numbers whenever Cinco de Mayo falls on a school day as a way to highlight how much over-taxed payers are being gouged for illegal immigrants.
This year Mexican-owned businesses will be showing their patriotism by actually putting American flags in their windows. Today for Cincy-Cinco, Mexicans could stop by at the Soccer Fields on Kellogg Avenue to celebrate their freedom (if they’re not still under water), but let’s hope they won’t be pissing on the trees, not with all those signs saying “No orine en los árboles, por favor!” Down at the soccer fields on Kellogg, the City still hasn’t put up signs in Spanish that say “Bebidas alcohólicas prohibidas,” so there’ll be plenty of empty beer bottles throughout every weekend.
Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose say Cinco de Mayo is not yet celebrated as part of an official national three-day holiday weekend, but it probably will be, and well before our Hispanic population hits 51%.- And always remember to pay your taxes, gringos! Millions of illegal aliens are depending on you! Conservative Critic Will duRANT IV adds that the swarm of all those illegal immigrants, first counted sometime in the mid-1990s, has now multiplied into a force of 42.754 million — up about 9.5% per year.
- In Anderson Township, Trustee “In Russ We Trust?” Jackson says, “Even if our population (excluding all that Section 8 housing) is only 95.9% Caucasian, you can still find 437 Mexican restaurants that have not yet closed during the Obama recession, and every one of them will give you Montezuma’s Revenge.” The Forrest Gump School Board still threatens to change the Anderson Redskins’ team name to Aztecs if voters don’t approve a 28% tax hike they plan to put on the next ballot, so everybody in Anderson would have to piss away another $500-per-year in jacked-up property taxes and those over-paid administrators can keep their over-paid jobs. And Liberal loonies like Greater Andersonians Promoting Peace say we should all feel just as guilty about Mexicans as we do about homosexuals, Blacks, and other minorities.
In Washington, our Lame-Duck Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt has hired a translator so she can tell lies in Spanish as easily as she does in Turkish. Speaking as the Official Voice of the Conservative Agenda, The Blower says Mean Jean is a no-good lying bitch in any language.- We remember when “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman had fun whacking that Mean Jean Piñata at our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
- Returning home from the Senate this weekend, Rob “Fighting for Frijoles” Portman, who lives in Terrace Park (98.2%), says it’s only the second most lily white community in Hamilton County. The really white section of Terrace Park where Portman lives is actually 99.9% White-ass. Portman’s outraged neighbors say it would be 100%, but years ago on one of his junkets to Latin America with Bill Clinton, the Robmeister brought back his live-in maid Consuelo. She still has another 17 years to work for free just to repay the Robster for her air fare.
But in case you didn’t receive his Thursday press release announcing “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s new campaign manager, Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex Triantafillou (pronounced Alex) who’ll be Blogging Till the RINOS come home, is now celebrating that back-room deal he just made.- Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Senor Bob Castellini is upset Obama didn’t invite him to the White House on Cinco de Mayo to be honored for exploiting all those peons at his salad factory. Bitch McConnell says soft-money contributions to Republicans can still be made in pesos.
- The CamBoozler wonders how those seven candidates running for Goof Doofus’ seat in Congress will be campaigning on Cinco de Mayo, since everybody in Northern Kentucky will be rooting for Dr. Hansen’s “Caballo Blanco” in the Kentucky Derby this afternoon. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like to dress up as gay caballeros now that Covington has a law saying “Hispanic Homocitos” can’t be discriminated against, as former Covington City Commissioners Steve “I’m 5’0″ not 4’10’” Megerle and Jerry Bamburglar, along with a failed commission candidate, Craig Johnson found out a few years ago.
On Cinco de Mayo, Phyllis on Madison will give you a Hispanic hand job. Today also we remember our dearly departed friend Hayes “The Hit Man” Robertson, who moved to Florida to be closer to Latina Lesbians, where he could die a happy man. Somebody e-mailed our good friend Bobby Leach a picture of what appeared to be a “taco,” but our porn checker says it really wasn’t.
Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith will celebrate by doing shots of Tequila at the Fort Mitchell Country Club. Jeni Lee Dinkel will be handing out candy to teenage boys who come to her door on “Cinco de Chicos.” At Cov Cath, the “M” in MILF still stands for “mamacitas.” Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders says even if none of the current Bungals are on house arrest, Dancing Chad should still stay north of the border on Cinco de Mayo. And Feckless Fishwrappers are still “periodistas perezosos” (lazy reporters) in any language.
Miss Vicki wants to know how you say “short leash” in Spanish. Blackjack Brian Richmond says the only way he was able to pass the bar exam several years ago was with an on-line course from Tijuana U. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams wants everybody to know that his name also rhymes with “Mex.” And Don Pablo’s says they plan to stock up on extra burritos, in case Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Carlos Foster Kane and Clueless Lobbyist Marc Wilson stop by for lunch today.
Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters will be checking to see if any Spanish words like “suspensión” appear in today’s Blower. Horny in Hebron wonders where you can buy Spanish Fly in Boondoggle County. And there’ll be a Dirty Sanchez Moustache Contest at Newport on the Levee.- Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen has invited us to watch the Florence Freedom on Margaritas Night, and even if Cinco de Mayo isn’t officially celebrated in Covington like St. Patrick’s Day, guys at Mainstrasse Village Pub say, “Senoritas can still come in and get drunk and show us their magnifico maracas.”
- Finally, all of this is why our Quote for Today Committee picked Billy Connolly’s “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
Now from the archives of award-winning illustrator Artis Conception we invite you to our Cinci de Mayo celebration.
REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY, GRINGOS: Si usted no puede mejorar las noticias, usted debe ni lo informa. (If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.)
HISPANIC DISCRIMINATION HOT LINE
e-mail your salsa snitches today
Some bi-lingual items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally bi-lingual subscribers
Links of the Day
Startled by Cinco de Mayo!
PLUS
Cinco de Mayo Test
Play “Border Patrol”
How to talk dirty in Spanish
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
