The Whistleblower Newswire | Some of the News They Seem to Lose
Special “Savior Sunday” E-dition
Roses are Red, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Jesus, You'd all be Jewish.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Top Ten List
Today it’s the Top Ten Signs you hired the wrong Easter Bunny
10. Costume made from rabbits run over on I-75
9. Scares the bejesus out of all the little kids
8. Before kids get candy they must have a dental exam
7. Parents must first sign waver on juvenile obesity
6. Two words: “Rabbit Raisins”
5. Speaks only in Spanish
4. Easter eggs filled with Spam
3. He’s wearing a yarmulke
2. Tells you for an extra $4,300 he won’t rat you out to The Whistleblower
…And the number one sign you hired the wrong Easter Bunny is… Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory taught him how to hop.
Whistleblower 2012 Adult Easter Egg Hunt Contest
The Whistleblower Newswire is pleased to announce the winner of this year’s Adult Easter Egg Contest in Hamilton County.
Shown in this rare photo op with the deserving winner (our Disingenuous DemocRAT Hamilton County Auditor who has always been permitted to run unopposed by the RINOs at 700 Walnut Street and has also received medals from attorneys making a killing handing his Board of Revision cases) is Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane.
Official 2012 White House Easter Photo
After the IRS disallowed their fully documented $487,000 bad debt expense deduction because MoveOn.Org failed to reimburse them for all that money spent on Obama’s Coronation Party at the Camargo County Club.
However, MoveOn.Org was still willing to sell (C.O.D., of course) to Compulsive Obama Supporters like Tom and Rose this exclusive White House Easter Photo for only $29.95 plus $79.95 for shipping and handling.
This is the Official 2012 White House Easter Card. Any other cards you may see claiming to be the Official 2012 White House Easter Card are surely fake.
The Joys of Easter
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says the word “Easter” comes from the Latin “estrus,” meaning “heat.” That’s why Bluegrass bunnies go crazy this time of year.
The CamBoozler says it wouldn’t be sacrilegious for Turfway Park to be open on Easter, because it’s always post time somewhere, and you can catch racing action coast-to-coast and border-to-border in the RaceBook, so folks in Northern Kentucky can do what most Christians have been doing on Easter weekend for thousands of year— casting lots on the cloak of Jesus. This year all those $2 bettors hoped they don’t have to wait three days to collect their winnings.
Signs outside NoKY churches for Easter Sunday: “Church Members Only, Trespassers Will Be Baptized,” “Try Our Sundays, They’re Better Than Dairy Queen’s,” and “If You Don’t Like the Way You Were Born, Try Being Born Again.”
But the sign we liked best was the one we spotted in the parking lot. The sign said “This Is Pastor’s Spot. You Park, You Preach.”
Now here’s our favorite Easter sonnet from Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams:
Said father rabbit to mother rabbit: “Sex is just a habit!”
Said mother rabbit to father rabbit: “Shoot the habit to me, rabbit!”
In Ohio, sensual sonneteer Steve Chabothead likes to use the word “Chabot” instead of “rabbit.”
Today we also have a special Easter poem entitled “Waiting for the Easter Bunny,” by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Rhymes for Our Times.”
See the Easter Bunny,
Hiding eggs all filled with goo.
If I can ever catch his ass,
I’ll make some rabbit stew.
Today is Easter, or as New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow said at his rock concert Sermon on the Hill in Texas, “Savior Sunday.” Easter always brings us stories of redemption, and at today’s brunch at the Golden Corral, no doubt many will be sharing a copy of this spiritually uplifting letter from The Blower files from years gone by:
A well-known Northern Kentucky philanthropist was doing his Easter shopping at Y’All Ville Mall when he saw a shabbily dressed boy of about eight, crying. The tyke was short and thin. He had no coat, just a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the chill. Oddly, the boy was holding a brand-new crisp $100 bill in his hand.
Thinking he’d gotten lost from his parents, the man asked what was wrong. The lad said he’d been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job as a lap dancer. He was to use the money to buy presents for his four younger brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus back to the homeless shelter. He said his mother made very little to support her large family, and his father was in prison.
His mother had managed to skimp and save $200 to buy the children Easter presents since she hadn’t gotten them anything at Christmas.
But he had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
“Did you scream for help?” the man asked.
“I did,” The boy whimpered.
“And nobody came to help you?” the man said.
Dejectedly, the boy stared down at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
“How loud did you scream?” the man asked.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me, Sir! Please help me!”
Then the man realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy’s cry for help.
So Michael Liquid Plummer grabbed the boy’s other $100 bill and ran to his car.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
EASTER REDEMPTION HOT LINE
e-mail your sins and transgressions today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers, like this picture explaining to your children why Easter was cancelled this year.
OUR NUMBER ONE LOCAL STORY THIS WEEKwaswhen Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder was forced to do damage control and write a letter offering assurances that the Obama administration respects the decisions that courts make.
Holder was forced to write the letter after appeals court Judge Jerry Smith in Texas demanded reassurances that the Justice Department recognizes judicial authority. Smith made the request after Obama said this week that it would be “unprecedented” for the Supreme Court to overturn a major law passed by Congress like the healthcare overhaul whose constitutionality it is now considering.
On Tuesday, the judge had said he wanted a letter of at least three pages that makes specific references to the president’s statements.
OUR NUMBER TWO LOCAL STORY THIS WEEKwas how NBC, Sharpton, Jackson, Obama, Holder, Lee, et al, continue to throw gasoline to stoke racist flames in the aftermath of the Trayvon Martin shooting. But what else do you expect. It’s an election year.
AND OUR NUMBER THREE LOCAL STORY THIS WEEKwas all that Opening Day Hype in Cincinnati. Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather was back. And he was excited that his beloved Cincinnati Redleg’s magic number has already been whittled down to 161.
Farley is also making some bold predictions for professional baseball’s first team as it begins the 2012 season with an impressive 4-0 win over the Miami (nee Florida) Marlins. Johnny Cueto will become major league baseball’s first 30-game winner since Denny McClain did it in 1968 . . . and learn to speak English! Jay Bruce will hit 80 home runs. The boldest prediction? Joey Votto will prove he is worth every penny of the roughly $45,000 per at bat he is earning in 2012
MONDAY in our Annual “Opening Day Hype” E-dition, The Blower asked, “Is it “Next Year” Yet?”
Opening Day isn’t an official holiday on this year’s calendar, but maybe in Cincinnati it should be, because with all that hype, Thursday will probably be one of the most unproductive local work days of the year. Not only that, some doofus is still collecting signatures to persuade the City to making Opening Day an official holiday. With enough signatures a referendum could be put on the ballot this November.
Hurley the Historian says heremembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. Now like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans!
TUESDAY in our Special “Fair Weather Fans” E-dition, The Blower asked “After all that pre-season hype, does anybody really expect that much from the Reds?” and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” included:
We used to be able to get some really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch at our Opening Day games, but lately we’ve had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. We’ve gone from local loserslikeMallory and Odd Todd to an over-the-hill recording artist like Nick Lachey, and this year it was just Hamilton County’s Senile Sheriff Simon Leis. —Señor Bob Castellini
Next week, I hope to be throwing out my first RINO Party Chairman. — Ohio Republican Governor John Kasich
Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? —Findlay Market Parade Committee
Remember when Opening Day in Cincinnati used to be really unique and at least somewhat important and worth noting, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season? —Abner Doubleday
WEDNESDAY in our Special “Tax Freedom Update” E-dition,The Blower said “Tax Freedom Day” was still almost two weeks away:
Recently at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane which was his “Favorite Day” in April. “There are so many to choose from,” Kane explained. “It would be hard to pick a favorite.”
But the day we plan to celebrate this year, and so would most ordinary Americas if they knew anything about it, is “Tax Freedom Day.” That’s the date our friends at the Tax Foundation say the average US over-taxed payer has worked long enough to pay all of his federal, state, and local taxes for the year.
Tax Freedom Day arrives on April 17 this year. Coincidentally, it’s the same day your taxes are due. Still, that’s four days later than last year.
That means you’ll need more than three months of your hard-earned wages just to pay your taxes this year. Americans will spend an average of 29% of their income on federal, state, and local taxes in 2012. That’s more than the average family spends on food, clothing, and housing.
THURSDAY, in our Special “Peanuts and Crackerjacks” E-dition, The Blower reported:At Great American Ballpark, it’ll only cost each of you $137.50!
The 2012 Cincinnati Reds Opening Day had finally arrived and they might as well make it a paid holiday, because for local employers, it’ll probably be the least productive day in the year. If P&G thinks its employees are goofing off watching YouTube videos on most days, wait till they find out how many man hours are spent watching the Findlay Market Parade. $225 Million– do you think they’re paying Joey Votto enough? Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Just think how much he’ll be getting every time he strikes out with the bases loaded.”
And at today’s Opening Day, after Sheriff Simon Leis fires one over the plate in the ceremonial first pitch, will Senator Rob “Fighting for Fastballs” Portman bounce the lineup card to the umpire.
ALSO THURSDAY, in our Extra Special “RINOs Back to the Future” E-dition, The Blower asked if anybody remembered the last time?
In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders said Joe Hallett at the Columbus Dispatch broke the news that Ohio RINO Party Boss Kevin DeWhine had finally taken the hint and announced his resignation, instead of being thrown out on his ass at the upcoming Friday the 13th meeting of the state party central committee. Award-winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception was glad DeWhiner decided to take the high road.
FRIDAY in our Special “Over-Taxed Payers’ Angst” E-dition, The Blower said “Taxation WITH representation isn’t so great either!
Thursday morning everybody was getting ready to watch all those politicians marching in the Findlay Markey Opening Day Parade on TV, so Charles Foster Kane went to have his taxes done, just so he could find out how much of his hard-earned money would be confiscated by the IRS on April 17 so Obama and our Crooks in Congress could just piss it away.
Unfortunately, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher hasn’t been heard from since, although somebody did say they saw him at a bribe lunch with an elected official at J. Alexander’s at The Rookwood. The Blower is still waiting on confirmation on that report, especially since everybody knows how low a profile the Voice of the Conservative Agenda usually keeps whenever he ventures out in public.
We hope when he finally returns, he’ll be calmed down enough after hearing about his taxes and that elected official’s plans for public spending so we can at least put out our regular E-dition on Saturday.
SATURDAY in our Special “Rabbit Recipes” Issue, The Blower asked if the Easter Bunny was now on the endangered species list.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders why so many Christians are upset about Chocolate Jesus candy on sale for Easter. Neither of the two NoKY Jews he knows was upset about Chocolate Moses candy for Passover.
Did Trish the dish really wonder if the bus drivers in Cincinnati were on strike, since she saw all those people walking up those long stairs to Mt. Adams on Friday? Trish also wondered why Easter always seems to come on Sunday, since Christmas comes on a different day each year.
Moms and Dads, it’s still not too late to have your kids’ pictures taken with the Evil Easter Bunny at Newport on the Levee. It only costs $5 plus sales tax.
And Dads, if Mom’s not around, Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says you can get your picture taken our favorite Easter Bunny for only $437.
ALSO SATURDAY, in our Extra Special “Friends of the Jews”E-dition,the CamBoozler said while all the Jews in Northern Kentucky were really ready for their Passover Seders last night, he wonders if Kenton County Attorney Scarry Garry Edmondson would be still gathering more “Jew Jokes” for his newsletter:
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
REPUBLICANS IN 2012: Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says according to our Official CNN GOP Delegate Counter, Mitt Romney has 651 of the 1,144 delegates he needs for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination in Tampa. Rick Santorum is a distant second with 275. Newt Gingrich is trailing badly with 138, and Ron Paul is still out of luck and out of money with 71. Is it time for the Fat Lady to start warming up?
VOTER FRAUD: According to Indiana Bureau Chief Hoosier Daddy, prosecutors in South Bend filed charges Monday against four St. Joseph County DemocRAT officials and deputies as part of a multiple-felony case involving the alleged forging of DemocRAT presidential primary petitions in the 2008 election. Could the Wheels of Justice grind any slower?
OBAMA 2012:Obsessive Obama Supporters Tom and Rose say the Obama re-election Campaigners were so alarmed that Mitt Romney had announced a joint fundraising project with the Republican National Committee and Republican state parties, because it means Romney’s donors can now give 15 times more than they could before to defeat Obama with only a $1 Billion Campaign War Chest. That’s why Obama for America Campaign Manager Jim Messina was asking Tom and Rose for another $3 donation on Friday.
DIRT-DIGGING DEMOCRATS:looking for mud to sling at “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup, say the Federal Election Commission listed COAST’s Avaricious Attorney Chris Finney for a $2,000 donation, and Finney’s Bag Men Curt Hartman and Brian Shrive (also a Wenstrup campaign lackey) for $500 each.
OUR LATE NIGHT JOKEWATCHER liked Jay Leno’s: “Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal? So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn’t they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says last Tuesday, “One-third of Americans still have not filed their income taxes with two weeks to go until the April 15 filing deadline.” Maybe that’s because they knew this year, their taxes didn’t have to be filed until April 17.
MEDIA MENDACITY:NBC News was forced to fire the producer it says was responsible for creating the deceptive audio recording of George Zimmerman communicating with a 9-1-1 operator. The network is still refusing to release the name of the producer, although he’s been based in Miami and has worked there for a number of years.
OHIO RINO PARTY:In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders Joe Hallett’s story in the Dispatch about Resigned-in-Disgrace Kevin DeWhinealso said “former Ohio GOP Chairman Robert T. Bennett, 73, was poised to come out of retirement to lead the party, at least on an interim basis.” And what a wonderful piece of news that was for the DemocRATS. Because in spite of Hallett’s calling him “the most successful party chairman in state history,” Bennett did a hideous job the last time he was in charge. Disingenuous DemocRATS held all those state offices, from the Gayvenor on down.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #95 says you should invite all your Liberal friends to a Tax Freedom Day party. Remind them that this is the first day of the year in which the money they work for goes into their own pockets rather than into Big Government’s gaping, insatiable maw. In 2012 Tax Freedom Day falls on April 12. In 1900 it fell on January 22.
FOOLS IN SCHOOLS:The Fishwrap ran a vapid weepy article about the forty administrators, including twenty assistant principals, who will supposedly lose their titles due to budget tightening in the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools. Don’t shed any tears for them. Not a one of them will lose his or her job. They will just be shifted around within the system, at the same pay rate.
MORE FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERY: Lucky winners at The Fishwrap’s Early Retirement party on April 12 include political columnist Howard Wilkinson, longtime photographer Michael Keating, and Editorial Page Editor Ray Cooklis, along with business reporter Mike Boyer, Features Editor Dave Caudill, news reporter Steve Kemme, Copy Desk Chief Sue Lancaster, Production Manager Greg Noble, Butler/Warren Editor Jim Rohrer, sports copy editor Bill Thompson, copy editor Pat Tolzmann, and copy editor Tim Vonderbrink. These Fortunate Fishwrappers join Assistant Managing Editor/Sports Barry Forbis and Deputy Sports Editor Rory Glynn. The Blower announced their resignations in March.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY:Finance Director Maggie Wuellner is asking for money from Tea Partiers because Tuesday night, an unidentified leader of the Cincinnati Tea Party supposedly nominated Alex T., Mall Cop GOP to be re-elected Chairman. This came only a day after Alex T.’s e-mail claimed members of the county central committee confirmed the definition of insanity one more time with their “near-unanimous support” when it came time to stand up and be counted.
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: wasted no time mourning the loss of Kevin DeWhine, calling it a major setback for their tax-and-spend movement. Be sure to read their blog entry to see the familiar face they endorsed to take over the party.
RACIAL HEALING UPDATE: The Fourth Annual University of Cincinnati Diversity Conference will be held on Wednesday April 18.
The conference is designed to rally support for Obama’s re-election.
THE CINCINNATI MESS (You’ll Only Read About in The Blower): This week at the City Hall Circus, everybody was enjoying the latest from Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception, who’s wondering how Useless Cincinnati Police Chief James Craig is getting along these days, studying for his police exam.
FROM THE GREAT WHITE NORTH: Bob and Doug McKenzie report the Western Star says two of Willie’s Sports Cafe got busted by the Board of Health— the one in Mason and the other one in West Chester. Does that mean Willie’s “Hepatitis Free” rating is now in jeopardy?
IN ANDERSON:With the announcement of Steve Kemme’s untimely early retirement at The Fishwrap, Anxious Andersonians are wondering who’ll be writing those stories about the Township on those rare occasions fair-and-balanced reporting about Disgraced Dis-Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien is required for items to appear in The Forest Hills Urinal.
READING THE TEA LEAVES: So far, not a single local Tea Partier we’ve asked admits that he knows the identity of that unidentified Tea Party member who supposedly nominated Alex T., Mall Cop GOP to continue to lead the Hamilton County RINO Party over a cliff.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR OFFENSIVE OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time to wade in on the latest debates, we found this in his “Clown of Clowns,” sold in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“Four More Years” City Clown-cil wants a longer term The’d increase the years to four. More time to sit and dither And make their asses sore.
IN CLERMONT COUNTY: A recount is now under way to see which DemocRAT’s name will be listed on the ballot this fall in the Ohio Second Congressional District race. William Smith, a man local party leaders had never even met, beat David Kevorkian by 60 votes. Not being reported, however, is progress on that investigation to find out if “Mean Jean” Schmidt had anything to do with all that money being donated to Smith, who was opposing her long time nemesis.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY:Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo since Congress has still not made our tax forms easier to understand, each of his H&R Doofus offices will be open every night and on weekends to help his constituents do their income taxes before Tax Day on April 17.
LEGAL UPDATE: Lovely Lisa Wells, who’s getting paid by WLW Hate Radio for doing the program “Crazy Eric” Deters was doing for free, says when Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters finishes the Bluegrass Bar Association’s 61-day suspension on April 24, will he be offering “Family Discounts” or Mother-Daughter Rates” for clients indicted at the same time.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves broke Babe Ruth’s legendary record of 714 home runs, but he actually tied the Babe’s record on April 4, when he homered off Reds pitcher Jack Billingham on Opening Day.
OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE: chose Joey Votto’s, “It’s hard to believe I’m only getting $45,000 each time I come to the plate.”
CFK-TV: Over at Anderson Community Television, our CFK production crew wonders if this would be a good time to announce Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall’s new “Sports Crap” show on CFK-TV?
THIS WEEK AT A MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA: Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what to expect when Boob Bennett takes over the Ohio RINO Party next week. Kane skowed them The Blower’sNovember 21, 2008 E-dition when Gerry Manders exclusively reported: “In that eternal fight for the direction of Ohio Republican Party, Party Boss Boob Bennett is now blasting Lovely Lori Viars for daring to question the conservative credentials of Boob’s protégé Kevin DeWhine to take over the party after the Boobster resigns in disgrace later this year. Isn’t anybody going to challenge DeWhine?”
Kane said he hopes Boob will do a lot better this time, since he starts out with every state office held by a Republican, but The Blower won’t bet the farm on that. Maybe the RINO spin for today should be, “Going backward is going forward.”
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:The Blower’s Campaign Countdowns to will continue. Speaking of which, the 2012 Elections are only “211” days away and the Bluegrass primary in May 22 is 44 days away.
Monday we’ll be publishing our Annual Easter Monday E-dition.
Tuesday you’ll be reading “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers,” and no doubt you’ll be reading our Freebie Gourmet’s recipe for delicious “Rabbit Stew.”
Wednesday will be checking our Pete Rose Betting Tips to see how much to wager on Opening Day.
Thursday, it’ll be “Tax Freedom Day” in Ohio, and not a moment too soon.
The first line of next Friday’s limerick is: “The best part about paying your taxes.”
And all week long, we’ll be getting ready for that big Tax Day Rally on April 15.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political scorekeeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political scorekeeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Link of the Day
Easter Gorilla Ruins Easter for Kids
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this g ood stuff today.