Saturday, March 17, 2012

Snakes Alive

          If only Saint Patrick were alive today, he could stop in at the White House, Congress, your State House, every city hall and courthouse in the tri-state, and especially at Hamilton County RINO Party Headquarters, where we need to get rid of some of the biggest snakes in history. And if he could a couple of spare minutes, he could also do something about the League of Women Vipers. He could’ve stopped Thursday night at the Anderson Township Trustees meeting, too. With a wave of his staff, he could give this traditional Irish Blessing, and what a wonderful world it would be:

        “May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm on your face. The rains fall soft upon your fields, and, until we meet again, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!”

            Hurley the Historian says today is officially St. Patrick’s Day in Greater Cincinnati. That’s when people of Irish descent will have too much to drink, or as former Cincinnati Mayor Quisling Charlie Luken calls it, “Saturday.” Quisling wants to make St. Patrick’s Day a real holiday, where people who drink too much can stay home and get paid for their hangovers. Charlie Windbag was having his volunteers call around to find 10 white people to march with him in the St. Patrick’s Day parade last weekend to try to offset the 632 black people he already had coming. Downtown street vendors were selling Shamrock bracelets made of pure Irish gold. How could you tell? Your arm turned green as soon as you put them on. 

           In Washington, our DC Newbreaker says the traditional St. Patrick’s Day festivities started on Thursday in Congress when That Lame-Duck Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Bought-and-paid-For Tax-and-Spend Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt showed up without her makeup.

          With only “233”  more days till the 2012 Elections, Senior National Political Analyst Britt Humus reports Barack Hussein Obama, still claiming he has Irish heritage too, has officially changed the spelling of his last name to “O’bama,” but just for today.

          But already today, Goof Doofus has been forced to apologize for suggesting Barack was “Black Irish.”   

          And who’ll ever forget our Saint Patrick’s Day “Obama Song,” made famous during the 2008 campaign? [Let’s watch it now]

           Even though it’s Lent, Archbishop Dennis Schnurr says Catholics on the North Shore can eat corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, and Bishop Foys (Rhymes with Boys) in Covington says it’s OK for priests to beat their meat too, because this year St. Patrick’s Day is not on a Friday. Bill Cunningham says meat served at Willie’s Sports Cafe on St. Patrick’s Day may be the traditional emerald green, but it will still probably be hepatitis-free.

          Meanwhile, Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl says, “It’ll be seconds on green baloney sandwiches at both lunch and dinner at the Kenton County Escape Center today,” and Our Good Frien, Kenton Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders says Eric ‘Call Me Crazy,’ Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Deters will be green with envy and filing more frivolous SLAPP suits in Ohio during “Crazy Eric’s” 61- day susupension in Kentucky.

            Kevin “Mad Mick” Murphy says on St. Patrick’s Day, women who get drunk at bars on Mainstrasse should still expose their breasts, or else they could always enter WEBN’s Saint Patrick’s Day Wet T-Shirt Contest.  Phyllis on Madison says Horny in Hebron always asks for a “Hibernian,” if you know what we mean.

          Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says former IRA terrorists will be ringing the Peace Bell in Newport, and history buffs like Whistleblower Presidential Scholar in Residence Patrick Maloney will celebrate that time in 1866 when members of the Fenian movement planned to invade Canada, and hold it hostage till the British agreed to grant Ireland its freedom, but local lovers of Ireland realized the cause was doomed, got roaring drunk, and headed for California instead.  

            At today’s Gay St. Patrick’s Day parade in Cincinnati, Lesbian Leprechauns say the best part will be watching Erin go bra-less.

          At the City Hall Circus, Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory will have Scotty throw out the first homophobe Hibernian.

            Some folks like painting their faces green and drinking green beer in public. Others like doing gay Irish dances.

            Sodomy Rites Activists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis will try to show everybody their shillelaghs.

            Jim TarBall says he’s not gay, he just dresses that way. And homophobe Steve Chabot’s hair waves in the breeze as he marches by. Many people think the follically challenged Congressman will be wearing a furry green bowler, but it will only be his latest comb-over colored green.

            Bud Fugger of Northside likes it when Sheriff Si Leis’ bagpipers march over a ventilation grate and the air blows up their kilts so horny homos could see their balls.

            The Rhymin’ Reverends will once again boycott the event. Local NAALCP President SMLP Smithermouth says police would be racially profiling all the Black Irish who wanted to participate. One of WLW Hate Radio racists-in-residence who is not a Person-of-Consequence said it was because they don’t like being called “Irish Jigs.”

            What’s the biggest difference between Black History Month and St. Patrick’s Day? On St. Patrick’s Day everybody wants to be Irish, even Jews from Amberley and Hispanics from Lower Price Hill.

           What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

           Why do the Irish always drink so much? Have you ever tasted crappy Irish food?

           At today’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders asked Charles Foster Kane to give his favorite Irish Toast, which just happened to be our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher’s goal in life: “May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband.” Whistleblower Quote for Today Committee, take note.

          Kane also introduced The Blower’s latest silly video, released just in time for Saint Patrick’s Day. This one was paid for by The Committee to Elect Persons of Consequence.     

           What’s Irish Alzheimer’s? That’s where you forget everything but your grudges. Around here, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher calls it the Whistleblower Motto.

            Finally, we have some special St. Patrick’s Day poems from Bunky O’Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Love Poems for the Horny Hibernians”:

Today is St. Patrick’s Day
When it’s chic to wear green
And the girlies all dye their thongs
In hopes that they’ll be seen.

An Irishman is a lover
A sex-ridden horny old elf.
His idea of foreplay?
“Get ready and brace yourself!”

Everyone is an Irishman
On each St. Patrick’s Day
But you should ask yourself—
Would you want to stay that way?

The smart ones got out of Ireland
To start a whole new life.
The dumb ones stayed at home
For days of toil and strife.

The Irish hold a parade
To celebrate St. Paddy’s Day.
They drink the city dry
And then there’s hell to pay.

Finally, we have another crappy Irish toast:

May the road ahead be straight and smooth
May all your troubles pass.
May all your friends bring you cheer
And the wind blow up your ass.

Today’s issue is brought to you by a generous donation from Hap’s Irish Pub, where you can still get drunk on your ass today even if you’re not Irish.

IRISH INSULTS HOT LINE:

 e-mail your corny beefs today.

In Anderson Township, Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says the Anderson Park Board has just adopted this “Duffy, the Lucky Leprechaun,” for its “Greenspace Program.”

Vile-and-disgusting pictures from Anderson like the one above were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers from Anderson, like the one above from former overpaid administrator Henry D. Olive.

 Now award-winning illustrator Artis Conception shows us someone you might see at the Gay St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

Links of the Day 

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